trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
