Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize