She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
