i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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