My liver just broke up with me...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
