I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
