Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
