This is not my ceiling
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
