you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
