That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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