Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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