I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
