Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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