he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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