Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
