My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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