I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize