did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
