just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
