you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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