i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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