I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
