I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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