After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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