Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
