I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
MIDGETS
????
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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