I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
