Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
