apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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