I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
