I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
