Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
