This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
