Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
