im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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