TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
