Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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