I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
