I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
