Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
