There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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