Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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