The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
