im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
