i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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