I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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