don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Randomize
