we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
