i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
