i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize