"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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