You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
