There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
