I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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