I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You are a genius and a whore.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
