just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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