So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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