I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
