just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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