i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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