you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
