Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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